It came and went regular enough. I was happy with my presentation and appreciative of the responses I received. But what I didn’t count on was how I would feel afterwards. As I said in my social media post, when I brought home the recorded session to watch with my wife, I cried. And during the process of those tears I didn’t really know why.
The days following were ugly. I was ugly. It became clear that the talk brought up a lot. I said things during my presentation that I wasn’t planning in saying. Didn’t think much of it at the time, but again, it was the aftermath.
Knowing myself and talking openly about myself are two different things. The anger and depression. The immaturity and misanthropy. I knew these things about myself. But when I admitted them openly, something changed. It was vulnerability that changed me.
The tears afterwards felt like release. I said what I needed to say and it was over and then I kind of crashed. The shocking part was the crash brought up so many insecurities. Didn’t expect that. It makes sense though. Just caught me by surprise. My friend called it the vulnerability hangover.
The hardest part about seeing myself like that on camera, was seeing that I’m actually not at as cool as I thought. I guess I was expecting a stellar performance from myself, but going back over the clips and watching myself struggle to cough up certain types of info was an awkwardly humbling experience.
I was asked yesterday why I did what I did. What was the real motivation behind the man talk?
I guess it was an effort to come correct. To offer a real opportunity into being better than what I’ve been. To be honest, and more in acknowledgment of how it is I operate. Part of me still feels shame about it, and this is ok. The residual after shock may linger a bit longer in order for me to truly mature through this.
At this point, I don’t know what any of this really means. I just know I had to do it. Maybe it was me trying to show others it’s ok to be this way. Maybe that too self righteous. Maybe I just wanted to expose all the shit I’ve been hiding behind. I don’t know.
I feel better for doing it, that’s for sure. And in a way, it’s like now what? But I think I’ll give it time. I want to explore this more. Writing is always fun for me but it’s gonna have to come out again. And it will be better.
Here are a few clips from Saturday:
Thanks for reading.
Paul